ad programmam

dear iTunes: why you always gotta be changing your alphabetization scheme? you're ruining everything. punctuation then numbers then letters! yr friend, chris.

ad universitatem

dear st louis university center for medieval and renaissance studies website: your copyright notice suggests you haven't been updated since 2000. can this possibly be accurate? either way it doesn't make me want to apply. yr friend, chris.

ad librariam

dear barnes and noble employee: i was in your remainder section recently and you had placed I'm Not Julia Roberts next to I Am Charlotte Simmons and i think you should get a raise. yr customer, chris.

p.s. sorry i didn't buy anything.

ad locutionem

dear heteronormativity: you seem to mean "heterosexuality as normal" yet you ought to mean "various standards as normal". what goes around getting called "heteronormative" ought to be called "homonormative". please correct this. i await your reply. concerned, yr buddy, chris.

ad locutionem

dear wtf: from now on i will pronounce you "dub tee frog". i will encourage others to do the same. trust me, it will be better. yr loyal locutor, chris.

ad interrete

dear internet: who are you? yr friend, chris.

ad librum

dear biography of charlemagne: did you have to end with a tedious look at how his myth has endured through the ages? i do not care about napoleon, no really i don't. otherwise you were nice and swift and only 203 pages! yr reader, chris.