ad ciceronem

dear cicero: i realize there was no punctuation in your day, but be a clever boy and invent the period for me? here's some inspiration: . . . . . n.b. that's not an ellipsis! no fragments pls! ok, your friend, chris.

p.s. i am sorry that they cut off your head and hands and put them on the rostrum at the forum. that wasn't very nice. but it was a difficult time.

p.p.s. i liked the actor who played you in the HBO series Rome although he was probably more milquetoast-y than you really were. still he could act at least! that's better than most of the cast.

ad coffeinum

dear caffeine: kick in please. yr loyal subject, chris.

ad ciceronem

dear cicero: what do laws smell like? yr friend from the fuuuuuuture, chris.

ad tabellarium

dear postal carrier: you just came but it doesn't seem like you dropped off my recent ebay purchase. i shall be avenged! also i am not this Christopher Brown person you think i am. wtf, postal carrier?! your silent friend, chris.

ad emptionem

dear recent ebay purchase: it sure would be nice if you came in the mail today. that would be spiffy. but if not, then i will wait until monday. i am reasonably patient. your soon-to-be bff, chris.

ad distributorem

dear NAIL: i do not have answers for your questions re how to market my work. please just make my album (due out august 21, 2007) sell. your friend, chris.

ad pathicos torosos

also dear manhunt members: when i say i am not into muscled guys, i mean it. although i appreciate that muscled guys haven't e-mailed me tonight. tonight you make me think that some muscled guys can read. but no, seriously muscled guys, you're totally gross. seriously. your friend, chris.

p.s. i'm glad some people like you though, i don't want you to be lonely!