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dear iTunes: why you always gotta be changing your alphabetization scheme? you're ruining everything. punctuation then numbers then letters! yr friend, chris.

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dear st louis university center for medieval and renaissance studies website: your copyright notice suggests you haven't been updated since 2000. can this possibly be accurate? either way it doesn't make me want to apply. yr friend, chris.

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dear barnes and noble employee: i was in your remainder section recently and you had placed I'm Not Julia Roberts next to I Am Charlotte Simmons and i think you should get a raise. yr customer, chris.

p.s. sorry i didn't buy anything.

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dear heteronormativity: you seem to mean "heterosexuality as normal" yet you ought to mean "various standards as normal". what goes around getting called "heteronormative" ought to be called "homonormative". please correct this. i await your reply. concerned, yr buddy, chris.

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dear wtf: from now on i will pronounce you "dub tee frog". i will encourage others to do the same. trust me, it will be better. yr loyal locutor, chris.

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dear internet: who are you? yr friend, chris.

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dear biography of charlemagne: did you have to end with a tedious look at how his myth has endured through the ages? i do not care about napoleon, no really i don't. otherwise you were nice and swift and only 203 pages! yr reader, chris.

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dear apple: pls release newer better cheaper iPhones pls kthxbye. yrs, chris.

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dear fafsa: wtf, give me my pin. yr humble applicant, chris.

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dear father of my ex: i have had my dick in your son's ass. he seemed ok with that. yr friend, chris.

p.s. you have a nice moustache.

epistola relata ad mingentes

dear list members: can anyone recommend writing on heteronormative bathroom violence, and "piss politics" as in: women, ladiez, girls, dykes and every kind of pisser packer and dildo wearing people pissing from an upright position? greetings from Vienna, johanna

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dear cicero: i realize there was no punctuation in your day, but be a clever boy and invent the period for me? here's some inspiration: . . . . . n.b. that's not an ellipsis! no fragments pls! ok, your friend, chris.

p.s. i am sorry that they cut off your head and hands and put them on the rostrum at the forum. that wasn't very nice. but it was a difficult time.

p.p.s. i liked the actor who played you in the HBO series Rome although he was probably more milquetoast-y than you really were. still he could act at least! that's better than most of the cast.

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dear caffeine: kick in please. yr loyal subject, chris.

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dear cicero: what do laws smell like? yr friend from the fuuuuuuture, chris.

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dear postal carrier: you just came but it doesn't seem like you dropped off my recent ebay purchase. i shall be avenged! also i am not this Christopher Brown person you think i am. wtf, postal carrier?! your silent friend, chris.

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dear recent ebay purchase: it sure would be nice if you came in the mail today. that would be spiffy. but if not, then i will wait until monday. i am reasonably patient. your soon-to-be bff, chris.

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dear NAIL: i do not have answers for your questions re how to market my work. please just make my album (due out august 21, 2007) sell. your friend, chris.

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also dear manhunt members: when i say i am not into muscled guys, i mean it. although i appreciate that muscled guys haven't e-mailed me tonight. tonight you make me think that some muscled guys can read. but no, seriously muscled guys, you're totally gross. seriously. your friend, chris.

p.s. i'm glad some people like you though, i don't want you to be lonely!

ad pathicum false scribentem

dear particular manhunt member: why are you telling me that it is totally "werth" it to pay for this site? do you get some sort of commission? are we going to totally start off whatever communication we have with an argument about whether it's "werth" it to pay manhunt to see those pix? because i just bet that's going to go great! your new friend, chris.

p.s. it looks like you're sucking in a little gut, or at least i hope so, because that would be cuter.

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dear manhunt members: why do you think i am going to pay money to manhunt to see full-sized pictures of you? why does that seem like a good idea? why not just e-mail them to me? also, why are you even e-mailing me? you clearly just want to hook up, which is reasonable on a hook-up site, but my profile clearly indicates that i am not so much interested in hooking up. why why why? your friend, chris.

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dear food: why do you not live in my house? is it because i haven't gone shopping in ages? come back soon! your friend, chris.

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dear iPhoto: i hate you. yr nonuser, chris.